The trip to Columbus was a smashing success. I have stuff I'm supposed to be doing for the client, but I'm putting it off in favor of relaying what I consider to be one of my greatest success stories involving the power of positive thinking and beer.
It all started Saturday, when I stayed after lunch with Panther for "one more" beer. I paid with my debit card, but failed to look at it closely when the waitress returned it to me. I then went to Barton Creek Mall, where I tried to use it to withdraw money from the cash machine so I could buy a soft pretzel (I was getting the sugar crash shakes again--riding 60 miles'll do that, I guess). The ATM didn't recognize my PIN, which was frustrating, but I chalked it up to the fact that I'm batting .0000 with that particular ATM for one reason or another (it never works for me). So I headed to the pretzel place and asked if they took plastic. Score! They did. So I bought a soft pretzel and a diet Coke with my debit card.
On Sunday, I had a lunchtime flight out of ABIA. It's a 2.5 hour trip (if you're on American) to Columbus, so I figured I needed reading material. I grabbed a copy of Wired magazine, Fortune (the 2008 guide to the 1000 largest global companies) and the book "The World Is Flat," something that's been on my reading list for a while, but I'd never gotten to. Anyhoo, I went to the checkout counter and handed the girl my debit card. She then asked for ID, so I gave her my driver's license. She looked at it and started to hand it back and then she said, "Wait. Are you Shelly Lamont?" I gave her a WTF look and then she showed me my debit card, which clearly read "Shelly N. Lamont" at the bottom. Apparently the waitress the previous day had given me back the wrong debit card. Shit.
So I called Bank of America and got everything straightened out (while enjoying my hotdog from Earl Campbell's Sports Bar; see previous post). Except, I had no means for obtaining cash during my trip (didn't even have my checkbook with me). I looked in my purse and discovered I had exactly $11 cash and no coins, because I'd been carrying around about ten pounds worth of coins for weeks and decided to empty out my purse before going to the airport.
Okay, this story is dragging, so let me get to the important part. I managed not to spend my $11 cash during the trip. Why? Because I knew I would want a beer or two on the way home, and I didn't know if Southwest took credit cards (American and Frontier both do, and in case you're wondering, it turns out Southwest does NOT take credit cards). I also knew that I was going to be on the plane for a really long time, since my flight--which when I was booking it through our travel system looked like a direct flight from Columbus to Austin--was scheduled to stop in St. Louis, then Dallas, then finally Austin.
So, here was my situation:
Total estimated time stuck in metal tube: 5 hours
Total cash: $11
Price per beer: $4
Estimated quanity of beer needed to survive in metal tube for five hours: 4 beers (optimally), 3 beers (minimum)
Shit, again. I was at least one dollar short. But then--and I'll steal an Erin concept here--then I "reframed" my situation. What would happen if I willed it that I should have all the beer I desired on my flight regardless of my cash position? I decided to try it.
First leg of flight: Columbus to St. Louis...A nice looking, probably ex-military guy (I'm guessing Marine) sat next to me. He ordered a beer and pulled from his pocket...wait for it...a PILE of drink tickets. I ordered Bud Light #1, and, ready to hand my $4 over to Jake, the flight attendant, Marine guy said, "Oh, don't worry about it, I've got stacks of these things," holds up drink tickets, "at home."
Bud Light #1: gratis.
Second leg of flight...St. Louis to Dallas...Marine guy "de-planed," as they say, in STL, and a pain in the ass couple (think Louis Vuitton bags, Prada shoes and a diamond ring as big as my head) sat down. They turned out to be nice, but not as nice as if they would have had free drink tickets to offer me.
Bud Light #2: $4.
Second leg of flight (continued)...I didn't have a watch on because my nice watch's battery died last week and my running watch didn't really go with my outfit, so I had no idea how much time was left in the air. As I was finishing Bud Light #2, I noted that we still weren't starting our descent, so I decided, screw it, I would blow $4 more on Bud Light #3, knowing that if I couldn't score a seatmate on the Dallas to Austin leg who had free drink tickets, or if I couldn't talk flight attendant Jake into spotting me a buck (I still would have $3 left), or I couldn't magically come across a dollar's worth of change in Baguette or between the airplane seat cushions (kidding, I wouldn't stick my hand between those cushions for anything), that there would be no Bud Light #4 on the critical last leg of my journey home.
Damn the torpedoes! Bud Light #3: $4.
Here is where the power of positive thinking really kicked in (I have GOT to send this story to that lady who wrote "The Secret"). No sooner had flight attendant Jake brought me Bud Light #3 than we began our descent. Further, the pilot came on and said we would be arriving in Dallas 10 minutes early. Early arrival...great if you're de-planing (love that word) in Dallas, not so great if you're one of the schmucks who can't get off of the plane in Dallas because you have to sit there to keep the sweet window seat you've scored for the remainder of the trip to Austin. Ah, but getting a beer delivered to you as you start your descent...rather than chug it and hand the empty can to the flight attendants, why not sip it and sort of hide it between you and the wall? You know, be a rebel, and land with a more or less full adult beverage in hand? Brilliant.
Time spent on the ground in metal tube sans beer during extended layover in Dallas: 0 minutes
Cash left: $3 (doh!)
I finished Bud Light #3 just as folks were boarding.
Final leg of flight: Dallas to Austin...By now this had turned into a game. I knew there was no change in my purse to supplement the three one dollar bills I had left, so I dug around in Baguette. The only useful things I found were a Shout! wipe and a tampon, neither of which can be exchanged for beer. There was one final place to search: the rarely used outside zipper pocket of my purse. In it: three quarters, three nickels and a dime. The final dollar.
Bud Light #4: Three singles, three quarters, three nickels and a dime.
The moral of the story is, the universe will allow you to drink four perfectly timed beers on a five hour flight with two layovers and insufficient cash if you will just put positive thoughts out there.
The end.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Stuff About My Trip to Columbus
Wow, it's been almost two months since I updated this thing!
I'm in Columbus, Ohio. The last time I was here was 15 years ago, when I was dating this hippie-esque guy on the UT track team. He was from Columbus and I came up here to visit over New Year's. We went skiing in Pennsylvania and we went out on High Street and it was cloudy the whole time. That's about all I remember. This trip, I have not gone skiing in Pennsylvania, nor have I gone out on High Street, but it is cloudy.
I had not one but two awesome client meetings today. I love it when people think I know what I'm talking about. Not only that, I got breakfast, lunch and dinner gratis. The downside is that I will now have to don my fat girl pants. Why? Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: Half of an egg white, mozzarella, mushroom and bell pepper omelete with a slice of (buttered) wheat toast, three home-fried potatoes and asparagus, plus a free shot-glass sized sample of strawberry-banana smoothie.
Lunch: Iceberg lettuce salad with roasted almonds, strawberries, oranges, bowtie pasta and some kind of not-at-all-good-for-you dressing. Fortunately, I was leading our client meeting, so I couldn't eat too much. Then I had a sugar cookie for dessert. Also, diet Mountain Dew is yummy.
Dinner: Two light beers, three olives, a slice of sourdough bread (buttered), three asparagus spears, a small serving spoonful of au gratin potatoes, roughly six ounces of medium rare filet mignon, a glass of red wine, a spoonful of chocolate molten cake with another two spoonfuls of strawberry sorbet and two cappucinos (small), plus one more glass of red wine.
Thankfully I ate a fair amount of good-for-you stuff, but I ate about 12 times more of it than I normally would. Ugh. Oh well.
My favorite food item of the whole entire trip, however, was the hot dog at ABIA yesterday. I got it across from gate 15 at Earl Campbell's Sports Bar, where they have hot dogs that have been spinning on the same greasy rottiserie thing since the '92 election. And I ate one. The whole thing. I do this every time I have a lunchtime flight out of ABIA. Friends, if you want to fuck up your stomach, this is the very best way to do it outside of intentionally exposing yourself to a stomach virus. But it's sooooo worth it.
As for my hotel, I'm staying at the Hyatt Capitol Square. The bed is outstanding. The bathroom is huge with a big ol' vanity. The internet is wireless, dependable and free...as long as you have a t-Mobile hotspot account. The wallpaper directly under the window is peeling and the lobby is a little worn, but it's clean and neat. Big, big drawback, though: no minibar. This is now the second Hyatt of three I've stayed at with no minibar. From now on I think I'm going to make my hotel choices exclusively on the basis of whether there is a minibar. I'm tired of this hit-or-miss, will-I-be-disappointed-or-won't-I crap. I need cashews when traveling, damn it.
As for the Ohio state capitol, or statehouse, as they refer to it, it was built in 1838 (I think) in the Greek revival style, replacing the original capitol building, built in the Georgian style in 1812, which had become too small. Wow, how's that for advance planning? Anyhoo, they held this contest to see who would be the architect for the new capitol building. It wound up that they combined the designs of several folks and then commissioned some dude to actually build it. It took a while to finish up, due to some political bickering and whatnot. What no one has been able to explain to me, however, is, what the hell happened to the dome?? It's like they just said, "Eh...fuck it, I'm tired," and called it a day. Kind of like the Ohio state flag, which is also weird, like a rectangle was too expensive to produce, so they just kind of made it some weird pennant shape out of whatever leftover cloth was lying around.
So, that's my lame-ass report from Ohio, but at least my blog is updated now. Next up, I anticipate writing a really bitchy entry about my flight home tomorrow, which is on Southwest and consists of not one, but TWO stopovers: St. Louis and Love Field. Man, I hope they stock up on beer and peanuts.
I'm in Columbus, Ohio. The last time I was here was 15 years ago, when I was dating this hippie-esque guy on the UT track team. He was from Columbus and I came up here to visit over New Year's. We went skiing in Pennsylvania and we went out on High Street and it was cloudy the whole time. That's about all I remember. This trip, I have not gone skiing in Pennsylvania, nor have I gone out on High Street, but it is cloudy.
I had not one but two awesome client meetings today. I love it when people think I know what I'm talking about. Not only that, I got breakfast, lunch and dinner gratis. The downside is that I will now have to don my fat girl pants. Why? Here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: Half of an egg white, mozzarella, mushroom and bell pepper omelete with a slice of (buttered) wheat toast, three home-fried potatoes and asparagus, plus a free shot-glass sized sample of strawberry-banana smoothie.
Lunch: Iceberg lettuce salad with roasted almonds, strawberries, oranges, bowtie pasta and some kind of not-at-all-good-for-you dressing. Fortunately, I was leading our client meeting, so I couldn't eat too much. Then I had a sugar cookie for dessert. Also, diet Mountain Dew is yummy.
Dinner: Two light beers, three olives, a slice of sourdough bread (buttered), three asparagus spears, a small serving spoonful of au gratin potatoes, roughly six ounces of medium rare filet mignon, a glass of red wine, a spoonful of chocolate molten cake with another two spoonfuls of strawberry sorbet and two cappucinos (small), plus one more glass of red wine.
Thankfully I ate a fair amount of good-for-you stuff, but I ate about 12 times more of it than I normally would. Ugh. Oh well.
My favorite food item of the whole entire trip, however, was the hot dog at ABIA yesterday. I got it across from gate 15 at Earl Campbell's Sports Bar, where they have hot dogs that have been spinning on the same greasy rottiserie thing since the '92 election. And I ate one. The whole thing. I do this every time I have a lunchtime flight out of ABIA. Friends, if you want to fuck up your stomach, this is the very best way to do it outside of intentionally exposing yourself to a stomach virus. But it's sooooo worth it.
As for my hotel, I'm staying at the Hyatt Capitol Square. The bed is outstanding. The bathroom is huge with a big ol' vanity. The internet is wireless, dependable and free...as long as you have a t-Mobile hotspot account. The wallpaper directly under the window is peeling and the lobby is a little worn, but it's clean and neat. Big, big drawback, though: no minibar. This is now the second Hyatt of three I've stayed at with no minibar. From now on I think I'm going to make my hotel choices exclusively on the basis of whether there is a minibar. I'm tired of this hit-or-miss, will-I-be-disappointed-or-won't-I crap. I need cashews when traveling, damn it.
As for the Ohio state capitol, or statehouse, as they refer to it, it was built in 1838 (I think) in the Greek revival style, replacing the original capitol building, built in the Georgian style in 1812, which had become too small. Wow, how's that for advance planning? Anyhoo, they held this contest to see who would be the architect for the new capitol building. It wound up that they combined the designs of several folks and then commissioned some dude to actually build it. It took a while to finish up, due to some political bickering and whatnot. What no one has been able to explain to me, however, is, what the hell happened to the dome?? It's like they just said, "Eh...fuck it, I'm tired," and called it a day. Kind of like the Ohio state flag, which is also weird, like a rectangle was too expensive to produce, so they just kind of made it some weird pennant shape out of whatever leftover cloth was lying around.
So, that's my lame-ass report from Ohio, but at least my blog is updated now. Next up, I anticipate writing a really bitchy entry about my flight home tomorrow, which is on Southwest and consists of not one, but TWO stopovers: St. Louis and Love Field. Man, I hope they stock up on beer and peanuts.
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